Forgiveness

Three years ago, I lost my best friend. We met ten years ago during our first year of college. Common interests and passions quickly grew into a close friendship. However, I made a mistake one day that would forever change our relationship.

At first I thought she had forgiven me, and we continued being friends for a few more years. Then when she forgot my birthday and acted like nothing was wrong, I knew there was a problem. I asked for her forgiveness several times, to no avail. While I can understand her reasons, the most hurtful part is never having received a pardon, mercy for my imperfection.

In a strange way, my mistake has shown me the real power of forgiveness. Sure, I’d heard about forgiveness countless times at church, but never before have I truly understood its potential to heal. When withheld, it leaves a void filled with endless guilt. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t remember my friend and how deeply I hurt her. Despite several humble requests, she has not extended forgiveness. I’m not vain enough to expect regaining her trust or friendship, but not having the closure of knowing that she accepts me as a fallible human being is torturous. I almost have to forgive her for not forgiving me, for withholding the most important gift our Christian friendship was once based upon.

Knowing what it’s like to live without forgiveness makes me eternally grateful for God’s grace. I now know the guilt, shame, and regret that lingers as a consequence of my selfish nature without the potential to start anew, to acknowledge that I am imperfect but still loved. Without forgiveness, we are all held to an impossible standard. I, for one, cannot live in a world where God doesn’t forgive. His grace is truly a gift that allows me to breathe, move, and be who I am, faults and defects to boot.

Grace and peace,

Carolyn

1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

What's it all about...

I've always wondered why people have blogs.  The concept never really made much sense to me.  Living alone has given me way too much time to be inside my head, and lately I've had the urge to purge--my thoughts, that is.  Thinking can be exhausting, especially when one doesn't have a consistent outlet to share those deep and tantalizing concepts.  

That being said, take this as you will.  My intent is to share my ideas, thoughts, dreams, hopes, frustrations, and challenges.  I may offend some, and admit I will not apologize for it.  As always, I am grateful for my friends and family who sustain me.  

Grace and Peace,

Carolyn